Unseen Things

september 23, 2014 we lost our last baby.

The vases representing the children we've lost.

That was the 4th loss we'd gone through, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this one. I was further along than the other 3, and I had asked Quenton for a priesthood blessing when I thought that things were not going well. The blessing mentioned that everything was going to be okay, that the baby would be fine and that I'd be fine. Then I lost my baby. After coming home from the hospital, I did my best to avoid thinking about what happened, and, more specifically, what the blessing said. What was more difficult for me to deal with, was that with our very first baby that we had lost (back in 2008) I had received a priesthood blessing that said the exact same thing; the baby would be fine, I would be fine, everything would go as planned. So, with baby #4 no longer with us, I was angry. I did NOT understand what I was supposed to do. Why were we receiving these blessings when I wasn't understanding what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me? What I heard was NOT what happened. 

Then Quenton and I talked. 

We talked about our babies, the ones we had lost. We talked about the blessings, we talked about if they were waiting for us. I expressed my frustrations and my doubts, and we shared our feelings. Quent is the best husband. Ever. I love talking to him about anything and everything, because he is so honest with me. If he has the answer, he'll tell me. If he doesn't, he'll tell me that too. Anyway, the conclusion that we both came to was that our kids are okay, those that are here in this life and in the next. I also received a personal confirmation of this that is very close to my heart. We believe that the big picture helped us to see and understand the blessings I had received. I didn't get it before, possibly because I wasn't ready for that knowledge. Quenton and I have grown a lot spiritually in the 8 years we've been together, and I believe that the knowledge we've gained especially through that last loss was for now. We had other lessons to learn before. We had to rely on faith.

Faith.
To a lot of people that can be a very difficult concept. When I think about faith, I think about the confirmations I've had when I've relied on faith to see me through trials in my life, or to look at the results from relying on faith to make major decisions in my life; getting baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, moving to another country, serving a full-time mission, dating someone who had fallen away from believing in God, marrying that same someone, etc. Obviously I had ideas of what would happen when I made these choices, but relying on God to see me through, and asking for guidance in doing my best to make the right/best decision for me really did help me along this path of my crazy life. No, I don't always receive an answer, and I rarely receive an answer that I want or am the most comfortable with, but THAT'S OK. I've come to learn that without these trials in our lives, without having a higher accountability for our actions, how else are we to grow and stretch and progress? I believe know that I have a loving Father in heaven who knows what's best for me, and especially when I don't understand why things happen, I must rely on that faith that I've learned about in the Book of Mormon in Ether 12:6, "And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I have seen that. It wasn't until we suffered through the trials of losing our babies, and could do nothing more than believe in a God who loves us and our children, that we received a very distinct, very clear understanding of where our children are, and that Heavenly Father has indeed kept His promises.

Fast forward to last week.
We had found out in December that we were expecting again. January held a lot of stressful appointments, and ultrasounds, but by the end we saw a heartbeat and believed that everything was going to be ok with this baby. Then, last Tuesday I had an ultrasound to get proper measurements of the baby, and we were told that they couldn't find the heartbeat anymore, and with some more blood work it was confirmed that our baby had died.
We were not ready for this.
We now have 5 children in heaven.
Deep breath.
This is not a club that one aspires to belong to, but one that we've been inducted into nonetheless. For us, this isn't new territory, but it's still a devastating loss. It's been almost a week and I still have not miscarried, which adds to the stress and the sadness that keeps threatening to take over my emotions. Yes, I still get sad. I am still fighting with depression. Most days I would rather lay in bed. Not just to sleep, but to avoid everything else. Having faith has not made me immune to the darkness that I have felt during difficult times, but it has allowed me to see past it, even if it's just for a moment, and get a glimpse of the eternal perspective. I also have my loving husband to support me, my 3 beautiful children who are truly helping me make it through each hour of each day, and my belief that there is something more than just this life. We are not here to suffer loss and heartache with nothing to show for it.
God knows us.
I. Know. This.
 I have felt His love and comfort. Does that mean that because I have faith, nothing horrible or tragic will happen to me or my family? Most definitely not.

"Expecting a trouble-free life because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian."
- Jeffrey R. Holland

I know that when I have had hope in things unseen, believed that Heavenly Father would guide me, had faith that I would make it through the struggles in my life (even if that means just barely keeping my head above water most days), that I will receive knowledge line upon line. It is almost never when I want it, but it is most definitely when I need it.

The greatest blessings in my life. :)

loss.

I've debated what to say here or how to say it for a few days now. 

We lost our baby. It's been just over a week. I spent Tuesday morning at the hospital making sure that everything was happening as it should, and to get an ultrasound to double check things. The rest of the week has been a bit of a blur. Spiritually I'm doing ok. I have received great insight and confirmation as to the questions I've had, so I have no doubt that I will see my baby again. We've lost 4 children now, and it is such a comfort to me to know that they are in the hands of my Heavenly Father. It's definitely motivated me to strive to live worthily to return to be with them again. So, in that regard, I feel at peace. 

Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. Last week I wanted to keep so busy, especially when my mom was here, that I wouldn't give myself time to be too sad. I've shed some tears already, and didn't want to cry anymore (mostly because if I started I didn't know how I would stop). I feel as if my mind and my heart are at 2 different places. We've received such wonderful kindnesses from our ward, and I have truly felt how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. That has been such a blessing to me. I've always known that Heavenly Father loves me, but, whether I'm not as in tune with the Spirit as I should be or I have allowed something else to stand in my way, I haven't always felt it as much as I have this past week. How comforting it is to be reminded of the plan Heavenly Father undoubtedly has for each of us.

I still feel sad. Even a little depressed, I guess. I have a bit of a short fuse with my kids, which makes me feel like the worst mom ever. Hopefully I'll be recovered enough so Quenton and I can attend the temple this Friday; it's been a while and I definitely need that balance in my life.

I know that families are forever, and I love mine with all my heart. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and that the true path to happiness is through Jesus Christ and His gospel. That is what is keeping me going.

ahhh, life....

So, this one time I had 3 kids and no time to blog, or do anything.......

I see that it's been almost 8 months since I last blogged, and although I feel like nothing has happened, SO MUCH has happened. First, we moved to a new, bigger house in a new city :) Packing and selling our old house while carting 3 kids around (one being a relatively new baby) is something I NEVER want to do again, but the move here is so worth it. We're closer to Q's work, which means he's home sooner and with a bigger house we finally have room for all the kids, plus I actually feel like this is where we'll put our roots down (crossing my fingers). So far I've still got lots to unpack, my kitchen island has been covered with "stuff" since March, and we have to finish painting, but I have curtains and everyone has a room, and, most importantly, the playroom is mostly finished. I have so many projects I want to do, which is kind of exciting :) 

Jude has been diagnosed autistic. It took me a couple of months to stop bawling at the thought of what that meant for him, and even now reality hits and I wonder how we're going to do cope with all the changes and challenges, especially when he starts school. But, we're starting to get his supports in place, and he's still our awesome Jude dude. :-) I have to remember to post specifically about this whole experience. It'll be easier to see the blessings through all of this, because there have been many :)

So, right now I'm listening to Charlize NOT sleep (crying, talking, screaming, but not sleeping....) because I switched her and Jude's room up. Ususally at this time there's QUIET. 

Ahhhh, quiet. I vaguely remember what that's like......

I will say this. As chaotic as this last year has been, I truly am grateful for my kids and hubby. I'll admit, there are times when I really have to remind myself of that because I'm on the verge of going crazy, but this is the kind of crazy that I love. I know that our lives will keep on changing, and I will probably have a love/hate relationship with it for the next 8 years, but I wouldn't change anything. :)

heartstrings

jude.
my little man.

He has the sweetest looking face, and my heart melts whenever I look at him. :)

He has a special relationship with his daddy. He will gladly go to him over me any day, and I'm ok with that. :) He laughs at Hazel running around, or funny/random parts in movies, and he loves phones, tools, and just being able to climb anything and everything. You know, like all boys do. :) He teaches me patience, and how to let things go. He definitely has his mother's heart. :)


Quenton and I have notice since this past summer that Jude isn't really saying words. When he was around 17-18 months, we decided to mention it to his pediatrician. I thought nothing would really happen since Jude wasn't even 2, but the doctor said we should bring him in to get looked at. We did, and the doctor said he wanted Jude to see a Speech Language Pathologist. We took him last week, and found out that he has a speech delay, and needs to go for a hearing test in the next couple months. We're having Early Intervention come to assess him here at home in the next couple weeks, which will be so helpful in giving us more tools to help Jude communicate. We also need to have him further assessed at the Glenrose because of some red flags that came up during our visit. We've seen these flags ourselves, so I'm anxious to know what is going on. I know that I've never gotten a kiss from Jude, that he doesn't always respond to his name or directions we give him. I can barely type this without getting a lump in my throat (if you know me, you know that it takes nothing to get me to tear up, so when it comes to my kids, everything is a lot closer to the surface). You never expect that your child will have certain struggles, and when they do, you know you will move anything and everything in this world to help them. It is so difficult to see him get frustrated when he can't communicate all his needs.
To be honest, I didn't think I could be a mother of a child with special needs. I have friends who have children with special needs, and I've always thought, "wow, they are amazing moms. I could never have the energy to give what I would need to give to a child." The secret, though, is that when it's your child, you DO have what it takes to serve them and help them with their struggles, whatever they may be. I recently read this blog post, and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. No matter our situation, God is always there. Jude is teaching me so much, and helping me to feel my Heavenly Father's love and support. Just the other night I went in to have some cuddles with him, and he actually pulled my arms around him to give a bigger, tighter hug. Sometimes you don't need words.

I love you, Jude.

countdown......

hello, blogging world :)

It's been a few months, but I finally found a moment where I decided not to catch up on my sleep and also to leave the kitchen like it is (don't worry, I won't post a picture of my kitchen!) 

So, what has been going on here....... well, I have 8 days until D-Day, and I think I'm actually somewhat feeling ready for her arrival. I have seriously been feeling more uncomfortable this time around than with the other two. I went to the doctor yesterday and nothing was really happening, so he suggested lots of squats and walking. After shopping for groceries last night, I decided to do some leg stretches and WOW, was I feeling it later! But, I have a feeling that I won't be overdue if I follow the doctor's orders, so on come the running shoes!

We had a name picked out for baby, but ended up changing it to something that we love. :) We clearly don't choose traditional names, but each name has matched our kids perfectly. 

So, I have been so tired this last month, that my mothering skills have gone down the toilet. Do my kids watch movies through the day? Yup. Have I fallen asleep on the couch more than once while one or both of them have been busy playing with their toys? Sadly, yes. I would love to be doing more colouring or crafts, or anything with them, but unless I can sleep well at night, I literally cannot keep my eyes open. :( How do other moms do it? I have no idea. I am hoping that once baby is here that even though I'll be getting up often to feed, I'll be able to do more with H and J. At least try to establish a schedule while my mom is here to be better prepared when I'm on my own! 

Hopefully the next post will be when she's here, early, and everything went well :)

letting go....

aaahhhh, sleep.... 

Where did it go? I wish I was sleeping right now. But, maybe skipping my nap will give me a better sleep tonight? Hopefully :)

It's been a busy couple of months. We had a family reunion back in July, and although I was busy for most of it, it was a lot of fun :) I loved seeing family I hadn't seen for a while, and it was nice to get away. I had offered to make some reunion t-shirts for everyone (147 people), so that's what kept me busy for the first part of the weekend. Everyone had a number ironed onto their white shirt (according to when they were born into the family--- spouses kept the same number) and we also had a "Nelson 2013" logo ironed on the front. I think they turned out pretty good :)

 Grandpa and Grandma Nelson :)

 Mom, Dad, and all the grandkids (minus one)

 Our family July 2013

Most of the Nelson Clan (minus at least 15, I think) :)

Anyway, after we got back I was intending on having plenty of time to pack and get ready for baby to come. But, so far not much has happened. Oh well, I think I'll probably get an energy burst or something and get tons done one of these days :)

Lately I've been focusing on forgiveness. I know it's something that we talk about often at Church, and I thought I understood this principle. But, I've realized this past month that I've never really had to apply it in my life, forgiving someone else for a major transgression against me or my family, I mean. Of course little things will happen in our lives that cause us pain and frustration, but for the most part I thought I was able to just let it go. Recently I've come to accept and understand that there has been an open wound that hasn't healed in my life (unrelated to what happened to me as a child). It's affected my spirituality, my ability to love unconditionally in some cases, and I can now see how it has consumed a big part of my life. I've met with my Bishop a couple of times, and my eyes have already been opened to the importance of being able to forgive others. When someone has/had sinned against me, or done wrong towards me or my family, I instinctively put up a wall and try to put distance between myself and that person. It has caused such a build up of frustration, anger and resentment that it started to be all I thought about when I had a moment to myself. Anyway, I'm working through this, and have come across some wonderful talks that have given me perspective.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk about the love of the Savior. He speaks of the atonement, and how Jesus Christ was able to forgive His tormentors while He was on the cross. Elder Holland continues to speak of Christ's sacrifice and how we need to remember it. We remember, in part, by following the Savior's example and forgiving others.

And please don’t ask if it is fair that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don’t ask if “justice” doesn’t demand that it be the other way around. When it comes to our own sins, we don’t ask for justice. What we plead for is mercy—and that is what we must be willing to give.

Can we see the tragic irony of not granting to others what we need so badly ourselves? Perhaps the highest and holiest and purest act would be to say in the face of unkindness and injustice that you do yet more truly “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” That is the demanding pathway of perfection.

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I know how difficult it is to let things go. I know the pain that comes with being hurt so deeply that you feel it's better to just stay angry and hold it against others. I also know that I am tired of feeling this way. I want to let it go. I want to be rid of this unbearable weight that stays with me daily. I am by no means finished this process, but I'm on my way. I am starting to finally understand the true meaning of forgiveness, and I know that in the end this burden will not only be lifted from me, but I will feel peace, and that unconditional love that I have been longing to feel. 

It will be great. :)

Anxiety. (now this was a difficult one to talk about)

anxiety. 

I. Hate. It.

It's been a big part of my life for the last 3 years or so. I know, everyone gets anxious about things every once in a while. For me, though, it's more than that.

When I was little, I was abused/molested by someone who was close to the family. I don't want to go into details, but I started to remember things when Quenton and I started dating (about 6 years ago). I had a dream about this man, and memories slowly started coming back to me. Anyway, because of what happened, I can look back at my life and see why I reacted the way I did to certain situations, and partly why I am the person I am today. What's been on my mind for a long time is how it's affecting me and my kids. 

Hazel is going to be 3 in October, and did you know that I've only taken her to a public park once in her life? I've never taken both of my kids. My first thought is that I'll take my eyes of of Hazel, or either of my kids, and someone is going to take them. I'm nervous scared to take my kids swimming, even trying to plan swimming lessons is difficult. If there is a pond near a park, my first thought is that if one of the kids ever got  away from me, they're going to drown. I often have nightmares that one of my kids has gone missing and I CANNOT find them. It even took me a while to go out shopping on my own with Quenton watching Hazel (when this all started to become a problem). 

It seriously took me until Jude was 5-6 months old before I actually went to the grocery store by myself with both my kids. Quenton and I rarely have a date because I can't leave my kids with someone unless I feel 100% certain that they'll be ok while we're gone. 

Some of these things may not seem too serious, some probably sound completely irrational (trust me, I'm not CHOOSING to react this way). But, that's my anxiety. What's more frustrating is when someone tells me, "Well, Tanya, you just need to do it. You need to take them to the park, or you just need to get out with them." Maybe that's a solution (in a manner of speaking, it IS the solution), but it's difficult to hear that from someone who doesn't know WHY I'm anxious about these situations. Bottom line is, if I was hurt by someone who wasn't a stranger and who my family KNEW for years, I don't feel I can trust, well, most people (even if I know them). This is so frustrating for me, because I used to be an outgoing, independent person, not so worried about these kinds of things. Hopefully I can get back to that.

I'm not writing this necessarily for advice, but I feel I need people to understand why I might turn down a play date, or why I hesitate even to have some family watch my kids. Plus, I just need to write it down, I guess. It's a form of therapy, right? ;)

I've talked to someone about this, and she's been super helpful. I'm constantly thinking of my kids and trying to do what's best for them and what isn't going to hold them back. I don't want my weaknesses to bring them down or affect who they'll grow up to be. It's definitely opened my eyes to how anything can change a person, and how we cannot judge why someone may act or react the way that they do. 

Through all this, I am SO grateful for a loving husband who supports me and who will put up with all the craziness that is me. :) Life really is good, there are just some bumps in the road.