help!!!!!

S.O.S!!!

well, it's maybe not THAT bad, but I'm in a HUGE rut..... (is that how you spell rut??..... i don't know.)

My goal was to be a fit new mom and lose weight and look as good as I do in my head. That was my goal. I, however, have hit a WALL. Life has been really stressful lately, and I'm doing a little emotional eating. booooo! Ok, let's back up a little....

I started Weight Watchers after Jude was born, to at least get into some better eating habits. It was going really well, not to mention the perks of breast feeding. However, I couldn't/can't get past that 10 lb mark. :( 

I've been dealing with post partum depression as well, which seems to come and go. That definitly plays a part in this weight loss challenge. 

So, I'm still doing WW (at least going to get back on track asap), but need some pointers on the exercise part. I don't go to the gym (not my thing), and right now my comfort zone is my house and yard (ppd thing). Sooooo, I'm just wondering what you've used to work out at home and when? Ideally, it would be nice to have a work out partner, or at least someone to be accountable to. Quent has been lifting weights (yes, please!!) but has had changing schedules, so we're kind of doing this separately together.... ;) Eventually I'd like to run a 5/10 K race sometime, but I think that'll have to wait until I'm either not nursing or nursing less frequently.

Jude is 4 1/2 months old right now, and I'm really hoping to be able to buy a whole new wardrobe by Christmas. That's reasonable, right?

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated :) I'm done with feeling/looking like baby #3 is on the way......

ok, finally an update.....

where to start, where to start.......

well, this summer's been a busy one. First off, we had Jude's blessing at the end of June. It was nice to have family come and celebrate little J-man :)

 Here's our little family.... Hazel was a little tired and not wanting a picture.

.... and here's our little man. :) I love him so much!

Next, we went CAMPING. I'm not a big camper to start with, so I was a little nervous to think that we'd be camping with 2 kids, one being only 2 months old. We were able to borrow Quenton's parent's trailer, so that basically saved my sanity. It was SO HOT where we were, so it was nice to have some AC.

My parents are celebrating their 40th anniversary this year, so we threw them a little get together after our family campout. We had relatives from both side come and celebrate our awesome parents, and it was so fun to get together with them! (pics to follow.....)

We've been home ever since the middle of July, and I can't believe it's already the middle of August!! I feel like my life has been one big blur, but I suppose that happens with kids around :) 

Hazel is saying TONS of words :) Stuck! (her favourite word), sit, circle, star, rocket (rock), poop (for Pooh), bum (for poop), hair, one, two, mommy, dad, papa, mama, all done (speaking and signing for finished and amen), Jude, tired, help (signing and speaking), down, up, and MANY MORE! I feel like she's growing up so fast, and I have mixed emotions about that! She's the best big sister to Jude, and I can't wait for them to play together :) I absolutely am still in love with my little girl :)

Jude is my little bubba :) He is SO big! A month ago he was just under

16 lbs, so I'm sure he's closer to 17 now. He smiles, laughs, talks up a storm, and melts my heart :) He loves tummy time, and would rather be standing than anything. I bet he's going to be crawling before I know it (that is, IF he can move his own weight around!) :) He's such a happy boy, and I'm so lucky to have him for my second baby. He's added so much to our family right now and can't see what else he's going to be learning!

brother/sister time :)

Quent and I are still adjusting to being back from holidays. One thing that I miss is SLEEP. Hazel had moved from her crib to a twin mattress on the floor, and was sleeping great before and during camping. Now, she gets up at least once a night and is constantly coming into our room. We've been letting her sleep in our bed, mostly because I'm too tired to take her back to bed. That will be changing ASAP, though. I've been so exhausted that I feel like I just cannot get ahead. With ANYTHING. I wonder if there are other moms out there who have been in the same boat after having their second child? I kind of hope so, so I don't feel like such a bad mom. I'll admit to having a bit of a breakdown yesterday, but all is well today (probably because I've had my first shower in DAYS!). Regret having more than just one kid? Nope. Never. Just learning to balance everything. That, I believe, is an art I have yet to master.

jumping in, head first.

 **warning, long post ahead...**

i love my kids :) I love having Jude here, and I love how Hazel seemed to grow up so much in this last month. A month. How has 4 weeks gone by already?? We were busy with visitors and then with trying to get a schedule established, time has FLOWN. He's still trying to adjust to life on the outside, but even through the sleepless nights and tiresome days, my love for him, and even for Hazel (who has been a real trooper through all this adjusting!) has only grown. :) I love spending every moment with my kids, even the tough ones, and I consider that a blessing.

I was a little concerned when I got closer to my due date, and especially right after Jude was born because I went through almost a whole year of post-partum depression with Hazel. I didn't know if I was going to have to deal with that again or not, but I figured being aware of it might give me a bit of an advantage. So far, things have been ok. I've had a couple of bad days, but I really don't think it's hit me. (fingers crossed)
I can't remember if I've talked about having PPD or not, but I figure that there's other moms out there who have dealt with this, and sharing gives awareness and that can be the help that I or others need.
I had dealt with some anxiety and depression in the past, nothing too serious, but enough that I knew we would probably be dealing with PPD once we started having kids. I remember barely leaving my house most of that year (seriously, only for Church and the occasional errand). I felt comfortable and relatively safe in our little basement suite, and I needed that assurance.
One thing that became very apparent when Hazel was born was my attatchment to her. Yes, I know it's normal for mothers to feel a strong bond with their children, especially their first born, but I quickly came to learn that this went a little beyond that. In Hazel's 19 months of life, we've had only 2 nights where we had to get a babysitter, and a couple more where Q's mom or my mom watched her so we could go to a movie. I just didn't want to leave Hazel. No, I COULDN'T leave her. I would have anxiety just thinking of not being with her, and I would either turn down an offer for someone to watch her, or we would just stay at home and rent a movie. It's not that I didn't think it was important for Quenton and I to have date night, or even some time sans kids, but for me, it's not an easy solution of just getting out of the house. Sometimes the simple, easy answer is the hardest to accomplish.
Anyway, I became quite comfortable just hanging out with Hazel and Quenton, and sometimes even going to playdates with friends. I will admit, though, that I often turned down invites because I just didn't feel comfortable leaving, or feeling a little (or a lot) "blue" was enough to keep me home. It didn't take me long to realize that a part of my own PPD was having a form of separation anxiety "issues" (mostly with Hazel, but vaguely with Quenton, even). Even now, with Jude here, I have the hardest time thinking of leaving Hazel at a friend's house for a playdate. I stressed SO MUCH trying to figure out what I was going to do with Hazel if Jude happened to come early and my mom wasn't here to watch her. I thought that it would get easier once Jude was here, but I still feel that connection with Hazel that makes it hard for me to leave her. I think a big part of it is because we waited so long for her to come into our family, and the thought of something happening to her if I'm not there (and I'm not talking about a scraped knee) is enough for me to stay home and watch her. There's more to having PPD and separation anziety with my family than I've mentioned, but this is the jist of it.
I'm sure this probably sounds silly to most people, but, even though I'm working on getting out more (with or without kids), these issues are real. I love my kids, and I love my family. With advice from friends who have dealt with the same things I have, and, for me, turning to the Lord, life is pretty good. I've really been blessed with the experiences in my life, and I know that I am stronger than my situations.

that's it in a nutshell.

He's HERE!!!!!

well, I'm happy to say that our little man arrived early, on May 6th at 3:30am. :)

So, here's the story......

My mom came on the 29th of April because we both thought that I'd be going into the hospital any time. That night around 11pm, I realized I hadn't felt Jude move since about 12:30 that afternoon. I called Healthlink and they told me to go in, just to be monitored. It's not uncommon for fetal movement to decrease as they get bigger, but I really hadn't felt anything and was a little concerned. It turned out that we stayed there for a couple of hours until they felt like he had moved enough. They did mention to us that if Jude's movements didn't meet the requirements that they were looking for, they would consider inducing me. The doctor asked me to come back the next day for an ultrasound, just to make sure things were ok, so I came back in the morning. I was there for almost 4 hours, and they still wanted me to come back that evening after I had eaten supper. I wasn't feeling to worried at this point, just because I saw that Jude's heart rate was good, and the ultrasound tech said that things looked great. So, Quenton and I came that night, and finally Jude's movements picked up and I didn't have to come back again. I kept track through the week, just to make sure I could feel him move, and just waited. I'll admit, I was starting to feel a little impatient at this point. I think i just felt like he was ready to come, and nothing was really happening.
That Friday I went for another appointment with my OB and I was only 2-3 cm dilated. :( I wasn't really happy about that, but I figured we'd see how the weekend went. That night, I started having contractions, so both Quenton and I slept in the livingroom, just in case I needed to go in. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I just watched tv. However, everything must have stopped, because the next thing I knew I was waking up and was NOT feeling any contractions. sad day. We went to bed and hoped that things would pick up the next day.
All day Saturday my contractions came and went, sometimes they were 5 minutes apart, sometimes 15. But, again, by that night I hadn't felt my baby move all that much, so I called Healthlink again. The nurse told me since I had alread been in for the same reason earlier in the week that I should just go in again. After about 1-2 hours of another non-stress test and mild contractions, the doctor on call (chief resident) checked me (2-3 cm AGAIN) and said that he'd recommend induction. He gave us time to talk it over, and we decided that we'd stay. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we were going to have our little boy that night!

Soooo, even before the drip, my contractions quickly increased, and the memories of Hazel's birth came back to me pretty fast! Active labour started around 11:30, and with a little walking (and some help from the drip) in no time I was at 4cm, then 5, and quickly progressed to 7 then 8! Somewhere in there, my water broke (which I was thankful for!). I had actually brought my iPod and both Q and I planned on being able to have a little nap after my epidural. No dice. Jude's heart rate would drop every time I had a contraction, and the doctor told us if it happened once more they would do a c-section. Thankfully I had progressed and dilated enough that I could start pushing after the next contraction. I was a little surprised that I was ready to start pushing, but 10 minutes later, little Jude was here!! Everything was so different from Hazel's labour and delivery, but I was so grateful for such a unique experience.

I love my little Judebug xoxoxoxo

Jude Edward White
May 6, 2012
3:29am
7lbs 6oz

(how do I rotate this?)

love you, little boy.

come on, now.....

i want this baby.

I've never considered anything gross like drinking Castor oil, or jumping on a trampoline, but I will walk around (as long as it's not too painful!). I have 8 days left until this baby's due date, but it kind of sounds like I'll either have it before or my doctor will induce me possibly on Friday. 

Sunday night, I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move ALL afternoon. I know that movements are definitly more limited as the baby gets bigger, but it was longer than I thought it should have been. I called Healthlink and after 2 questions they told me to head to the hospital. So, we left around 11:30pm. After monitoring the baby, they wanted me to go home and come back the next day to monitor the baby again. So, I went to the hospital on Monday and after being there for another 2 hours, they wanted me to come back after I had eaten supper last night. I saw my doctor that afternoon as well, and he said that I'm 2 cm now, and if nothing happens before Friday, so see him then. 

So, I'm really starting to get a little anxious for this little one to come now. Mostly because I want to be done with feeling uncomfortable :)

So, if you can think of some "early arrival" baby thoughts, please send them our way :) Hopefully the next post will have some cutesie baby pictures to show you!

baby and not so baby.....

so I guess this baby can come anytime now :) I had a check-up on Monday, and I'm about 1cm dilated. I know that some women can be dilated for a while before they go into labour, but I'm hoping that I'll have this baby maybe on the weekend? 4 days before Hazel was born I wasn't dilating at all, so if that's any indication (which it might not be) I shouldn't have to wait too long for this little one to come :) My appointment got me a little excited for baby to finally get here!

On another note, Hazel is officially in NURSERY!!!

I can't believe she's even old enough or big enough to be there. I had mixed feelings leaving her there. I almost started crying, to tell you the truth. But, she was a trooper and didn't cry or even seem like she needed me. That was fine, but at the same time I was maybe hoping that she would miss me because then I could take her with me and she could need me forever. But, again, she was a trooper and didn't even want to leave when it was time to come home. When did she grow up? There's a part of me that wants her to stay my little baby girl forever, but I know that she has so much potential for her future. It's hard not to want her all to myself. She has such a big piece of my heart, and every milestone in her life will be so special to me.

And now I get to prepare to give another piece of my heart to this baby and to do it all over again.

I can't wait. :)

warning --- is Debbie Downer in the room?

so after a number of posts that never made it to viewers' eyes, here's hopefully an attempt that will make it. I feel like a walking zombie. I know, I should be going to bed earlier, but I think I want to soak in as much "me" time, or even time with Quenton, as possible while Hazel is sleeping and baby #2 is still cooking. I love that time, but from the moment Hazel wakes up in the morning (between 7-7:30) until her nap (normally around noon, or earlier depending on how she slept and when she woke up) I can probably be found dozing off on the couch while I'm a terrible mom and have a Disney tv show on to keep H occupied. I cannot believe that I allow myself to even contemplate sleeping, even for 5 mins, while she roams free. (a little consolation- she can't get into the kitchen or down the stairs, so she's pretty limited in where she can get into trouble)

When did this happen? If I can't handle her busy mornings when I'm exhausted just from being pregnant, how can I handle it when there's another little one to care for? Some times I just feel like putting up an ad on facebook or somewhere asking for someone to just come and sit with me on the couch so I can nap without feeling like Hazel is completely ignored. But I don't ask for help. Ever. Because that would require some humility, I suppose, and I would feel like I needed to clean my house (which I don't have the energy for at the moment). So, I sleep. and Hazel gets to watch more tv than I had even planned for her to. Let me also say that the times my mom has been here has been the worst! Not that i don't like visiting with her, but she's wanted to be productive and get things done, but I just DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO IT. So I relax on the couch. And feel a little gratitude towards this little one who is my excuse for being lazy.....

How do other moms do it? I wanted to be a little crafty, a little more organized, but can't seem to get there. I wish Quenton wasn't working this stupid 10 day shift. I'm running on fumes right now, and feel like if I could get a nap in, then I'd have the energy to clean my kitchen and do whatever I needed to do. But, I'll have to wait until Friday, I guess.

Is this enough whining, I wonder? Probably. Sorry about that. I just feel like an emotional basket case now adays, and with restless nights, long days, and no end in sight, it's hard not to want to vent now and then.

On a brighter note, only 3 weeks and 2 days left! I don't look forward to the continuation of my lack of sleep, but at least I'll be more comfortable then than I am right now. This baby is beating me up! Must be a boy, right? ;)