Wednesday, August 14, 2013

letting go....

aaahhhh, sleep.... 
Where did it go? I wish I was sleeping right now. But, maybe skipping my nap will give me a better sleep tonight? Hopefully :)

It's been a busy couple of months. We had a family reunion back in July, and although I was busy for most of it, it was a lot of fun :) I loved seeing family I hadn't seen for a while, and it was nice to get away. I had offered to make some reunion t-shirts for everyone (147 people), so that's what kept me busy for the first part of the weekend. Everyone had a number ironed onto their white shirt (according to when they were born into the family--- spouses kept the same number) and we also had a "Nelson 2013" logo ironed on the front. I think they turned out pretty good :)

 Grandpa and Grandma Nelson :)

 Mom, Dad, and all the grandkids (minus one)

 Our family July 2013

Most of the Nelson Clan (minus at least 15, I think) :)

Anyway, after we got back I was intending on having plenty of time to pack and get ready for baby to come. But, so far not much has happened. Oh well, I think I'll probably get an energy burst or something and get tons done one of these days :)

Lately I've been focusing on forgiveness. I know it's something that we talk about often at Church, and I thought I understood this principle. But, I've realized this past month that I've never really had to apply it in my life, forgiving someone else for a major transgression against me or my family, I mean. Of course little things will happen in our lives that cause us pain and frustration, but for the most part I thought I was able to just let it go. Recently I've come to accept and understand that there has been an open wound that hasn't healed in my life (unrelated to what happened to me as a child). It's affected my spirituality, my ability to love unconditionally in some cases, and I can now see how it has consumed a big part of my life. I've met with my Bishop a couple of times, and my eyes have already been opened to the importance of being able to forgive others. When someone has/had sinned against me, or done wrong towards me or my family, I instinctively put up a wall and try to put distance between myself and that person. It has caused such a build up of frustration, anger and resentment that it started to be all I thought about when I had a moment to myself. Anyway, I'm working through this, and have come across some wonderful talks that have given me perspective.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk about the love of the Savior. He speaks of the atonement, and how Jesus Christ was able to forgive His tormentors while He was on the cross. Elder Holland continues to speak of Christ's sacrifice and how we need to remember it. We remember, in part, by following the Savior's example and forgiving others.

And please don’t ask if it is fair that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don’t ask if “justice” doesn’t demand that it be the other way around. When it comes to our own sins, we don’t ask for justice. What we plead for is mercy—and that is what we must be willing to give.
Can we see the tragic irony of not granting to others what we need so badly ourselves? Perhaps the highest and holiest and purest act would be to say in the face of unkindness and injustice that you do yet more truly “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” That is the demanding pathway of perfection.
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I know how difficult it is to let things go. I know the pain that comes with being hurt so deeply that you feel it's better to just stay angry and hold it against others. I also know that I am tired of feeling this way. I want to let it go. I want to be rid of this unbearable weight that stays with me daily. I am by no means finished this process, but I'm on my way. I am starting to finally understand the true meaning of forgiveness, and I know that in the end this burden will not only be lifted from me, but I will feel peace, and that unconditional love that I have been longing to feel. 

It will be great. :)