Tuesday, April 30, 2013

how do we do it?

The last couple of months have definitely been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I was so sick for about a month and a half, and on top of the kids getting sick as well, I was feeling like a failure as a mom and as a wife. I couldn't keep on top of everything; the kitchen was is a disaster, I have laundry from our trip at the beginning of April that I still need to put away, I feel like I am forever struggling with my weight (pregnant or not),  I've been wanting to pack up some things to get a head start before I'm to big and uncomfortable to do it but haven't even started. I've been so tired, and of course irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't know why or how my darling husband puts up with me.

(**please note that these next two stories are not about me, and I'm not trying to make them about me, but they have led me to gain the perspective that I've been lacking)

About 6 weeks ago, a dear friend of mine lost her baby a few days before she was born. I couldn't have imagined the sadness that I felt when I took a moment to let it sink in. Even to think about it now brings tears to my eyes. I know of 3 other girls who have lost their babies, and my heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what that would feel like, let alone how you would move forward from it. 
One thing that I have thought about is not 'why did Heavenly Father allow this to happen?', but 'what can I learn from this' in regards to the eternal perspective? I don't claim to have all the answers, but I know that if they come (for me, at least) they will come through prayer. My heart truly, truly breaks for anyone who has to go through this. :(

Then, a few weeks ago, a couple of my closest friends both were dealing with spouses who don't deserve them. I never feel that it's fair that they've had to deal with a spouse who has had problems with alcohol, or who is so focused on himself that he neglects his own family's needs.  I feel so angry when I think of how these amazing women have been treated, and, I suppose, the only consolations that come to my mind are 1) my friends deserve way better anyway, and 2) Heavenly Father has counted the tears these sweet daughters have had to shed and is so mindful of them.

I was feeling so many emotions (being pregnant didn't help that matter, I suppose) and I wasn't able to get past being angry and frustrated. Then, during Relief Society this Sunday, we were talking about the blessings of the sacrament. We talked about what we can do to remember the Savior, and one of the sisters in my ward talked about remembering how the Savior loved, and especially how easy it was for Him to forgive. She reminded us of the story of the woman taken in adultery, and how Christ basically told her to not do it again. If He was willing to forgive such a sin, how often has he forgiven my sins? AND if He is so willing to forgive my sins, how great a need is it for me to forgive as well?

Forgiveness is a part of what I've been overlooking; for myself as well as for others. But, I feel that the biggest oversight was doing my homework. I know I'm not the only one who has been neglectful in scripture study, or in prayer, but I will admit that I have been focusing on everything else BUT that. These dear friends of mine who are going through these trials in their lives have shaken me to my core, and have made me realize that no matter what we are going through, whether it's a loss, a terrible relationship, feeling like a failure, or just having a down day, the ONLY way that we will make it through better than we were, and learning the lessons Heavenly Father intends for us to learn, is to turn to the Lord in prayer. We need to learn of Him. We NEED to learn of His life, His ministry, His compassion, His understanding. If we try to deal with these things on our own, we may be ok in the end, but we might miss out on learning opportunities, or even just feeling the love of the One who atoned for us all. He knows our pain. I know this to be true. I have been humbled by others' circumstances, and am grateful, not for what they are going through, but for the knowledge of a plan greater than our own. How thankful I am to have the Gospel in my life, to be surrounded by such amazing people, and to know that I am not alone.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

big things are coming :)

where do I even start? 

pregnancy #5, baby #3.
So we found out in February that we were expecting again. :) Of course I was happy, but when it hit me that we would actually be having another little one crawling around, a couple thoughts quickly entered my head: 1) I am SO glad that we'll be buying a new house in about a year! and 2) am I really ready for another baby?
It took about a month or so of being sicker than I had with the other two to realize that I am ready. Plus, now that I'm FINALLY in my 2nd trimester, I can enjoy being pregnant and not just feel like I'm bloated and can't fit into my pants anymore, with nothing to show for it. Also, I had about 6 ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Hazel, so I could see her a lot and not have that nagging thought of "am I actually still pregnant??". With Jude, I thought that, and especially with this one I catch myself wondering if he/she's still there. I know, probably sounds silly, but I've lost babies before so I'm waiting patiently impatiently for the halfway ultrasound, or to feel baby move, whichever comes first. I shouldn't doubt that everything is going well, though. I have enough ups and downs with my silly pregnancy hormones that there's really no question! Plus, I still have some food aversions that constantly remind me that things are changing. I enjoy food, so I'm a little sad that most days I don't even feel like having a salad. :( On top of some morning sickness, I'm dealing with acid reflux, so for the next 6 months my diet may consist of whatever I can stomach. It's manageable now, though, so I'm hoping for an uneventful pregnancy. :)

Since we're planning on moving, I figure I'd better start packing NOW. If I start now, I won't have to worry about packing and moving boxes and bins when I'm 8-9 months pregnant, or even when I have a newborn around. We'll have to do a bit of packing at the end of the year, but I'd like to get the bulk of things done soon. I had hoped to start a couple of months ago, but with being sick, and hurting my back, entertaining family, and then taking care of 2 sick kiddos, I can't even keep my house in order, let alone do something extra, like pack stuff away! Life has calmed down, though, so I think I can get myself back on schedule. I am SO EXCITED TO BE MOVING! We're hoping to move to either Fort Saskatchewan or Sherwood Park, so be closer to Quenton's work. I absolutely hate having him drive about an hour to and from work each day. To think that he could be home in 20 mins or less is mind-blowing. Literally. That means more family time, and that is worth moving away from the city. I. CAN'T. WAIT.  :)

So much more has happened in the last few months, but I'll write about it later. Too emotionally draining. But, I suppose it's safe to say that our house is starting to get back to normal, and aside from cleaning my house (yikes, THAT'S gonna be a chore and a half), we have a 1 year old Birthday coming up in 7 DAYS!!