Thursday, December 15, 2011

breathe, just breathe......

ok, so first let me say that I'm sure some of you will read this and think it's no big deal, or maybe I need to toughen up. Yup, this was a stressful day.
First, Quenton has been working nights this week which means he normally leaves for work around noon-ish and doesn't get home until after 11pm. Normally that's not a big deal, but today was super busy. I'm the Activity Leader in Primary and we meet every first and third Thursday (tonight), and we were doing a painting craft. Anyway, I had to do some last minute running around this morning to get the rest of what I needed for tonight, plus getting a couple things for lunch (we invited a friend who is getting married tomorrow to come over). While I was out, I got a message from the lady who helps out at the activities telling me that she couldn't make it tonight. Normally, not a big deal, but with Quenton working at night, I needed to bring Hazel with me. (stress level rising) **side note, yes, I probably could have found someone to watch Hazel for the 2 hours, but 1) I didn't figure this all out until it was almost too late, and 2) I don't really know anyone available and who I trust. **
Oh yeah, and since I had no helper tonight, I realized when I got home that I would also have no paint brushes. (stress level rising even more....) SO, I needed to feed Hazel an hour early, load the van with all the supplies, go to the dollarstore, pick up the brushes, drive to the Church, bring Hazel and all the supplies in, get set up, and do a PAINTING craft with my toddler playing sometimes and wanting my attention sometimes (with a sad look on her face). THEN, at one point, because I needed to go and look for someone and was going to be quick, I left Hazel in the room with the girls and when I returned she was crying uncontrollably because she thought I had left her and she couldn't find me. :( :( :(  I held myself together, but promised myself that I'd give her some extra cuddle time when we got home.
After carrying all my belongings and loading up the van (again), we finally got home (where I also had to deal with 2 dogs that hadn't eaten and 1 is a big fat whiner). I put her in her pjs, and gave her some milk. She seemed just fine, and went to bed without a fuss, and I think she even enjoyed the extra cuddles.
Yes, I shed some tears; some of frustration, and some of sadness at having Hazel upset that I left her. I know, I know, things will be different when there's another little one around, and I know that Hazel will have to get used to not getting all the attention. I don't think she's spoiled at all, and I know that there are billions of women who have to multitask like this all the time and don't complain. I just needed to get it out, and now I'm better. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Especially for difficult days that remind me of what's important and how to improve myself for the future.
yup. now I feel better.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

missions, spirituality, and the like......

so I used to think of my mission every day, often multiple times a day, and the memories I had were so clear that I could have sworn I was there just yesterday. Now, I realize I don't think about it as often, at the most I'll think about it a few times a week. It's interesting how difficult missions are. To clarify, I mean that, at least for me, my mission was spiritually exhausting, emotionally trying (at times), and a huge sensory overload. So it wasn't difficult in a bad way, just a different way. I felt that I had grown a lot while I was gone for 18 months, and that closeness to the Spirit and the Lord were the only things that really helped me after I got home. I never wanted to lose that feeling, eventhough I knew it would diminish somewhat over time.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I feel like I need to be doing more. I know I'm not doing enough. I know I need to study my scriptures more. I know I need to pray more often. I know I need to prepare myself to be a gospel teacher to my children. I need to visit teach consistently. I need to invite the missionaries over more frequently. It's easy to see all of these things and tell myself that I don't have time to do all that I need to at home AND everything else. However, I also know that if I make the time to do all of these things, everything else will fall into place, and the things that are really important will be what is accomplished.

I have found myself getting frustrated with people for their imperfections. I tell myself that common sense apparently isn't so common, but I think my frustrations with my own imperfections have clouded my vision. Would the Savior look at me and see only a flawed individual? Or would He lift me up and help me to overcome? This really is the season to focus on the positives, and to look to Christ as our example. I know that we hear that all the time, but I see now that I need to be like Him in all aspects.
Last week was our Relief Society dinner, and it was soooo good :) The food was so yummy, and being the focus was on Mary, I was definitly fed spiritually. I wish we had more opportunities to get together as sisters and marvel at the joy and wonder of womanhood and motherhood. I never fully understood how blessed I was to be born the way I am until I got married and started my family. We are the teachers of tomorrow, and part of an amazing support group. The Lord truly loves us so much. Let's take the time to honour eachother and lift one another up; who knows when Heavenly Father will need us to be His instrument. That's why we're here, isn't it?