countdown......

hello, blogging world :)

It's been a few months, but I finally found a moment where I decided not to catch up on my sleep and also to leave the kitchen like it is (don't worry, I won't post a picture of my kitchen!) 

So, what has been going on here....... well, I have 8 days until D-Day, and I think I'm actually somewhat feeling ready for her arrival. I have seriously been feeling more uncomfortable this time around than with the other two. I went to the doctor yesterday and nothing was really happening, so he suggested lots of squats and walking. After shopping for groceries last night, I decided to do some leg stretches and WOW, was I feeling it later! But, I have a feeling that I won't be overdue if I follow the doctor's orders, so on come the running shoes!

We had a name picked out for baby, but ended up changing it to something that we love. :) We clearly don't choose traditional names, but each name has matched our kids perfectly. 

So, I have been so tired this last month, that my mothering skills have gone down the toilet. Do my kids watch movies through the day? Yup. Have I fallen asleep on the couch more than once while one or both of them have been busy playing with their toys? Sadly, yes. I would love to be doing more colouring or crafts, or anything with them, but unless I can sleep well at night, I literally cannot keep my eyes open. :( How do other moms do it? I have no idea. I am hoping that once baby is here that even though I'll be getting up often to feed, I'll be able to do more with H and J. At least try to establish a schedule while my mom is here to be better prepared when I'm on my own! 

Hopefully the next post will be when she's here, early, and everything went well :)

letting go....

aaahhhh, sleep.... 

Where did it go? I wish I was sleeping right now. But, maybe skipping my nap will give me a better sleep tonight? Hopefully :)

It's been a busy couple of months. We had a family reunion back in July, and although I was busy for most of it, it was a lot of fun :) I loved seeing family I hadn't seen for a while, and it was nice to get away. I had offered to make some reunion t-shirts for everyone (147 people), so that's what kept me busy for the first part of the weekend. Everyone had a number ironed onto their white shirt (according to when they were born into the family--- spouses kept the same number) and we also had a "Nelson 2013" logo ironed on the front. I think they turned out pretty good :)

 Grandpa and Grandma Nelson :)

 Mom, Dad, and all the grandkids (minus one)

 Our family July 2013

Most of the Nelson Clan (minus at least 15, I think) :)

Anyway, after we got back I was intending on having plenty of time to pack and get ready for baby to come. But, so far not much has happened. Oh well, I think I'll probably get an energy burst or something and get tons done one of these days :)

Lately I've been focusing on forgiveness. I know it's something that we talk about often at Church, and I thought I understood this principle. But, I've realized this past month that I've never really had to apply it in my life, forgiving someone else for a major transgression against me or my family, I mean. Of course little things will happen in our lives that cause us pain and frustration, but for the most part I thought I was able to just let it go. Recently I've come to accept and understand that there has been an open wound that hasn't healed in my life (unrelated to what happened to me as a child). It's affected my spirituality, my ability to love unconditionally in some cases, and I can now see how it has consumed a big part of my life. I've met with my Bishop a couple of times, and my eyes have already been opened to the importance of being able to forgive others. When someone has/had sinned against me, or done wrong towards me or my family, I instinctively put up a wall and try to put distance between myself and that person. It has caused such a build up of frustration, anger and resentment that it started to be all I thought about when I had a moment to myself. Anyway, I'm working through this, and have come across some wonderful talks that have given me perspective.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk about the love of the Savior. He speaks of the atonement, and how Jesus Christ was able to forgive His tormentors while He was on the cross. Elder Holland continues to speak of Christ's sacrifice and how we need to remember it. We remember, in part, by following the Savior's example and forgiving others.

And please don’t ask if it is fair that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don’t ask if “justice” doesn’t demand that it be the other way around. When it comes to our own sins, we don’t ask for justice. What we plead for is mercy—and that is what we must be willing to give.

Can we see the tragic irony of not granting to others what we need so badly ourselves? Perhaps the highest and holiest and purest act would be to say in the face of unkindness and injustice that you do yet more truly “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” That is the demanding pathway of perfection.

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I know how difficult it is to let things go. I know the pain that comes with being hurt so deeply that you feel it's better to just stay angry and hold it against others. I also know that I am tired of feeling this way. I want to let it go. I want to be rid of this unbearable weight that stays with me daily. I am by no means finished this process, but I'm on my way. I am starting to finally understand the true meaning of forgiveness, and I know that in the end this burden will not only be lifted from me, but I will feel peace, and that unconditional love that I have been longing to feel. 

It will be great. :)

Anxiety. (now this was a difficult one to talk about)

anxiety. 

I. Hate. It.

It's been a big part of my life for the last 3 years or so. I know, everyone gets anxious about things every once in a while. For me, though, it's more than that.

When I was little, I was abused/molested by someone who was close to the family. I don't want to go into details, but I started to remember things when Quenton and I started dating (about 6 years ago). I had a dream about this man, and memories slowly started coming back to me. Anyway, because of what happened, I can look back at my life and see why I reacted the way I did to certain situations, and partly why I am the person I am today. What's been on my mind for a long time is how it's affecting me and my kids. 

Hazel is going to be 3 in October, and did you know that I've only taken her to a public park once in her life? I've never taken both of my kids. My first thought is that I'll take my eyes of of Hazel, or either of my kids, and someone is going to take them. I'm nervous scared to take my kids swimming, even trying to plan swimming lessons is difficult. If there is a pond near a park, my first thought is that if one of the kids ever got  away from me, they're going to drown. I often have nightmares that one of my kids has gone missing and I CANNOT find them. It even took me a while to go out shopping on my own with Quenton watching Hazel (when this all started to become a problem). 

It seriously took me until Jude was 5-6 months old before I actually went to the grocery store by myself with both my kids. Quenton and I rarely have a date because I can't leave my kids with someone unless I feel 100% certain that they'll be ok while we're gone. 

Some of these things may not seem too serious, some probably sound completely irrational (trust me, I'm not CHOOSING to react this way). But, that's my anxiety. What's more frustrating is when someone tells me, "Well, Tanya, you just need to do it. You need to take them to the park, or you just need to get out with them." Maybe that's a solution (in a manner of speaking, it IS the solution), but it's difficult to hear that from someone who doesn't know WHY I'm anxious about these situations. Bottom line is, if I was hurt by someone who wasn't a stranger and who my family KNEW for years, I don't feel I can trust, well, most people (even if I know them). This is so frustrating for me, because I used to be an outgoing, independent person, not so worried about these kinds of things. Hopefully I can get back to that.

I'm not writing this necessarily for advice, but I feel I need people to understand why I might turn down a play date, or why I hesitate even to have some family watch my kids. Plus, I just need to write it down, I guess. It's a form of therapy, right? ;)

I've talked to someone about this, and she's been super helpful. I'm constantly thinking of my kids and trying to do what's best for them and what isn't going to hold them back. I don't want my weaknesses to bring them down or affect who they'll grow up to be. It's definitely opened my eyes to how anything can change a person, and how we cannot judge why someone may act or react the way that they do. 

Through all this, I am SO grateful for a loving husband who supports me and who will put up with all the craziness that is me. :) Life really is good, there are just some bumps in the road.

how do we do it?

The last couple of months have definitely been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I was so sick for about a month and a half, and on top of the kids getting sick as well, I was feeling like a failure as a mom and as a wife. I couldn't keep on top of everything; the kitchen was is a disaster, I have laundry from our trip at the beginning of April that I still need to put away, I feel like I am forever struggling with my weight (pregnant or not),  I've been wanting to pack up some things to get a head start before I'm to big and uncomfortable to do it but haven't even started. I've been so tired, and of course irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't know why or how my darling husband puts up with me.

(**please note that these next two stories are not about me, and I'm not trying to make them about me, but they have led me to gain the perspective that I've been lacking)

About 6 weeks ago, a dear friend of mine lost her baby a few days before she was born. I couldn't have imagined the sadness that I felt when I took a moment to let it sink in. Even to think about it now brings tears to my eyes. I know of 3 other girls who have lost their babies, and my heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what that would feel like, let alone how you would move forward from it. 

One thing that I have thought about is not 'why did Heavenly Father allow this to happen?', but 'what can I learn from this' in regards to the eternal perspective? I don't claim to have all the answers, but I know that if they come (for me, at least) they will come through prayer. My heart truly, truly breaks for anyone who has to go through this. :(

Then, a few weeks ago, a couple of my closest friends both were dealing with spouses who don't deserve them. I never feel that it's fair that they've had to deal with a spouse who has had problems with alcohol, or who is so focused on himself that he neglects his own family's needs.  I feel so angry when I think of how these amazing women have been treated, and, I suppose, the only consolations that come to my mind are 1) my friends deserve way better anyway, and 2) Heavenly Father has counted the tears these sweet daughters have had to shed and is so mindful of them.

I was feeling so many emotions (being pregnant didn't help that matter, I suppose) and I wasn't able to get past being angry and frustrated. Then, during Relief Society this Sunday, we were talking about the blessings of the sacrament. We talked about what we can do to remember the Savior, and one of the sisters in my ward talked about remembering how the Savior loved, and especially how easy it was for Him to forgive. She reminded us of the story of the woman taken in adultery, and how Christ basically told her to not do it again. If He was willing to forgive such a sin, how often has he forgiven my sins? AND if He is so willing to forgive my sins, how great a need is it for me to forgive as well?

Forgiveness is a part of what I've been overlooking; for myself as well as for others. But, I feel that the biggest oversight was doing my homework. I know I'm not the only one who has been neglectful in scripture study, or in prayer, but I will admit that I have been focusing on everything else BUT that. These dear friends of mine who are going through these trials in their lives have shaken me to my core, and have made me realize that no matter what we are going through, whether it's a loss, a terrible relationship, feeling like a failure, or just having a down day, the ONLY way that we will make it through better than we were, and learning the lessons Heavenly Father intends for us to learn, is to turn to the Lord in prayer. We need to learn of Him. We NEED to learn of His life, His ministry, His compassion, His understanding. If we try to deal with these things on our own, we may be ok in the end, but we might miss out on learning opportunities, or even just feeling the love of the One who atoned for us all. He knows our pain. I know this to be true. I have been humbled by others' circumstances, and am grateful, not for what they are going through, but for the knowledge of a plan greater than our own. How thankful I am to have the Gospel in my life, to be surrounded by such amazing people, and to know that I am not alone.

big things are coming :)

where do I even start? 

pregnancy #5, baby #3.

So we found out in February that we were expecting again. :) Of course I was happy, but when it hit me that we would actually be having another little one crawling around, a couple thoughts quickly entered my head: 1) I am SO glad that we'll be buying a new house in about a year! and 2) am I really ready for another baby?
It took about a month or so of being sicker than I had with the other two to realize that I am ready. Plus, now that I'm FINALLY in my 2nd trimester, I can enjoy being pregnant and not just feel like I'm bloated and can't fit into my pants anymore, with nothing to show for it. Also, I had about 6 ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Hazel, so I could see her a lot and not have that nagging thought of "am I actually still pregnant??". With Jude, I thought that, and especially with this one I catch myself wondering if he/she's still there. I know, probably sounds silly, but I've lost babies before so I'm waiting patiently impatiently for the halfway ultrasound, or to feel baby move, whichever comes first. I shouldn't doubt that everything is going well, though. I have enough ups and downs with my silly pregnancy hormones that there's really no question! Plus, I still have some food aversions that constantly remind me that things are changing. I enjoy food, so I'm a little sad that most days I don't even feel like having a salad. :( On top of some morning sickness, I'm dealing with acid reflux, so for the next 6 months my diet may consist of whatever I can stomach. It's manageable now, though, so I'm hoping for an uneventful pregnancy. :)

Since we're planning on moving, I figure I'd better start packing NOW. If I start now, I won't have to worry about packing and moving boxes and bins when I'm 8-9 months pregnant, or even when I have a newborn around. We'll have to do a bit of packing at the end of the year, but I'd like to get the bulk of things done soon. I had hoped to start a couple of months ago, but with being sick, and hurting my back, entertaining family, and then taking care of 2 sick kiddos, I can't even keep my house in order, let alone do something extra, like pack stuff away! Life has calmed down, though, so I think I can get myself back on schedule. I am SO EXCITED TO BE MOVING! We're hoping to move to either Fort Saskatchewan or Sherwood Park, so be closer to Quenton's work. I absolutely hate having him drive about an hour to and from work each day. To think that he could be home in 20 mins or less is mind-blowing. Literally. That means more family time, and that is worth moving away from the city. I. CAN'T. WAIT.  :)

So much more has happened in the last few months, but I'll write about it later. Too emotionally draining. But, I suppose it's safe to say that our house is starting to get back to normal, and aside from cleaning my house (yikes, THAT'S gonna be a chore and a half), we have a 1 year old Birthday coming up in 7 DAYS!!

Gratitude.

ok, I'm going to do something that I probably needed to do a long time ago.

share what I'm grateful for. A girl I know is doing a gratitude challenge, and after reading her recent blog post, I decided I needed to do it too. I spend WAAAAAY too much time being critical (mostly in my head or to my husband), so I need to offset that by exuding the positive. So here goes :)

I am grateful for the Gospel. Now, to me that includes the Church and everything that goes along with it. I was thinking, at first, that I would share something outside of the typical "I'm grateful for the Church, my family, the Book of Mormon" etc., but there have been a lot of things happening in my life lately that have caused me to seriously look at my membership in the Church.

I was 18 when I was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had taken the discussions, prayed about the Book of Mormon, and took the plunge! At the time, I hadn't read through the whole BoM, but I had prayed to know if what I was doing was right. That was the most powerful answer to prayer that I have received to date. I knew that no matter what happened in my life from that point on, I could not turn my back on the truth. 

Ever.

Since then, I've had different callings in the various wards I've been in, went through the temple, I served an 18 month mission to Temple Square in Salt Lake City, Utah and also to Dallas, Texas, and, most importantly, I was sealed to my husband for time and all eternity. The things that I've learned, and the experiences that I've had have only strengthened my testimony that what I've done has been pleasing to the Lord. 

My mom has cancer. We found out right before Christmas. The surgeon figures they were able to remove it all when she had surgery back in November, but she has some tests coming up that will let us know if there's any cancer still there. She's probably going to have surgery to remove more of her intestine, but that won't be for a couple of months. Through all of this, I know that her faith has grown, and seeing how she's handled it all has increased my faith that we are being cared for and comforted by a loving Heavenly Father. 

I also have friends and family who have left the Church. It's not that they are attending another Church; they stop believing in God altogether. Hearing and reading their reasons for doing so has caused me to react with a number of different emotions, but also has strengthened my testimony that my decision to join the Church 15 years ago was the right one. Although I know that the power of the adversary is strong, I still find myself amazed that someone would choose a path other than that of the Gospel. I know I'm not perfect, but I will not deny what is true.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ has brought me more joy and blessings than I could have ever imagined. I know that God lives. I know that Jesus is the Christ. I also know that there will be things that happen in our lives to test our faith, and I will not abandon the Lord. He has given me my confidence, my strength, and my happiness. He has blessed me with Quenton, with my kids, with my wonderful life.

For that, I am grateful.