Monday, June 24, 2013

Anxiety. (now this was a difficult one to talk about)

I. Hate. It.

It's been a big part of my life for the last 3 years or so. I know, everyone gets anxious about things every once in a while. For me, though, it's more than that.
When I was little, I was abused/molested by someone who was close to the family. I don't want to go into details, but I started to remember things when Quenton and I started dating (about 6 years ago). I had a dream about this man, and memories slowly started coming back to me. Anyway, because of what happened, I can look back at my life and see why I reacted the way I did to certain situations, and partly why I am the person I am today. What's been on my mind for a long time is how it's affecting me and my kids. 
Hazel is going to be 3 in October, and did you know that I've only taken her to a public park once in her life? I've never taken both of my kids. My first thought is that I'll take my eyes of of Hazel, or either of my kids, and someone is going to take them. I'm nervous scared to take my kids swimming, even trying to plan swimming lessons is difficult. If there is a pond near a park, my first thought is that if one of the kids ever got  away from me, they're going to drown. I often have nightmares that one of my kids has gone missing and I CANNOT find them. It even took me a while to go out shopping on my own with Quenton watching Hazel (when this all started to become a problem). 
It seriously took me until Jude was 5-6 months old before I actually went to the grocery store by myself with both my kids. Quenton and I rarely have a date because I can't leave my kids with someone unless I feel 100% certain that they'll be ok while we're gone. 
Some of these things may not seem too serious, some probably sound completely irrational (trust me, I'm not CHOOSING to react this way). But, that's my anxiety. What's more frustrating is when someone tells me, "Well, Tanya, you just need to do it. You need to take them to the park, or you just need to get out with them." Maybe that's a solution (in a manner of speaking, it IS the solution), but it's difficult to hear that from someone who doesn't know WHY I'm anxious about these situations. Bottom line is, if I was hurt by someone who wasn't a stranger and who my family KNEW for years, I don't feel I can trust, well, most people (even if I know them). This is so frustrating for me, because I used to be an outgoing, independent person, not so worried about these kinds of things. Hopefully I can get back to that.

I'm not writing this necessarily for advice, but I feel I need people to understand why I might turn down a play date, or why I hesitate even to have some family watch my kids. Plus, I just need to write it down, I guess. It's a form of therapy, right? ;)
I've talked to someone about this, and she's been super helpful. I'm constantly thinking of my kids and trying to do what's best for them and what isn't going to hold them back. I don't want my weaknesses to bring them down or affect who they'll grow up to be. It's definitely opened my eyes to how anything can change a person, and how we cannot judge why someone may act or react the way that they do. 
Through all this, I am SO grateful for a loving husband who supports me and who will put up with all the craziness that is me. :) Life really is good, there are just some bumps in the road.