loss.

I've debated what to say here or how to say it for a few days now. 

We lost our baby. It's been just over a week. I spent Tuesday morning at the hospital making sure that everything was happening as it should, and to get an ultrasound to double check things. The rest of the week has been a bit of a blur. Spiritually I'm doing ok. I have received great insight and confirmation as to the questions I've had, so I have no doubt that I will see my baby again. We've lost 4 children now, and it is such a comfort to me to know that they are in the hands of my Heavenly Father. It's definitely motivated me to strive to live worthily to return to be with them again. So, in that regard, I feel at peace. 

Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. Last week I wanted to keep so busy, especially when my mom was here, that I wouldn't give myself time to be too sad. I've shed some tears already, and didn't want to cry anymore (mostly because if I started I didn't know how I would stop). I feel as if my mind and my heart are at 2 different places. We've received such wonderful kindnesses from our ward, and I have truly felt how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. That has been such a blessing to me. I've always known that Heavenly Father loves me, but, whether I'm not as in tune with the Spirit as I should be or I have allowed something else to stand in my way, I haven't always felt it as much as I have this past week. How comforting it is to be reminded of the plan Heavenly Father undoubtedly has for each of us.

I still feel sad. Even a little depressed, I guess. I have a bit of a short fuse with my kids, which makes me feel like the worst mom ever. Hopefully I'll be recovered enough so Quenton and I can attend the temple this Friday; it's been a while and I definitely need that balance in my life.

I know that families are forever, and I love mine with all my heart. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and that the true path to happiness is through Jesus Christ and His gospel. That is what is keeping me going.

ahhh, life....

So, this one time I had 3 kids and no time to blog, or do anything.......

I see that it's been almost 8 months since I last blogged, and although I feel like nothing has happened, SO MUCH has happened. First, we moved to a new, bigger house in a new city :) Packing and selling our old house while carting 3 kids around (one being a relatively new baby) is something I NEVER want to do again, but the move here is so worth it. We're closer to Q's work, which means he's home sooner and with a bigger house we finally have room for all the kids, plus I actually feel like this is where we'll put our roots down (crossing my fingers). So far I've still got lots to unpack, my kitchen island has been covered with "stuff" since March, and we have to finish painting, but I have curtains and everyone has a room, and, most importantly, the playroom is mostly finished. I have so many projects I want to do, which is kind of exciting :) 

Jude has been diagnosed autistic. It took me a couple of months to stop bawling at the thought of what that meant for him, and even now reality hits and I wonder how we're going to do cope with all the changes and challenges, especially when he starts school. But, we're starting to get his supports in place, and he's still our awesome Jude dude. :-) I have to remember to post specifically about this whole experience. It'll be easier to see the blessings through all of this, because there have been many :)

So, right now I'm listening to Charlize NOT sleep (crying, talking, screaming, but not sleeping....) because I switched her and Jude's room up. Ususally at this time there's QUIET. 

Ahhhh, quiet. I vaguely remember what that's like......

I will say this. As chaotic as this last year has been, I truly am grateful for my kids and hubby. I'll admit, there are times when I really have to remind myself of that because I'm on the verge of going crazy, but this is the kind of crazy that I love. I know that our lives will keep on changing, and I will probably have a love/hate relationship with it for the next 8 years, but I wouldn't change anything. :)

heartstrings

jude.
my little man.

He has the sweetest looking face, and my heart melts whenever I look at him. :)

He has a special relationship with his daddy. He will gladly go to him over me any day, and I'm ok with that. :) He laughs at Hazel running around, or funny/random parts in movies, and he loves phones, tools, and just being able to climb anything and everything. You know, like all boys do. :) He teaches me patience, and how to let things go. He definitely has his mother's heart. :)


Quenton and I have notice since this past summer that Jude isn't really saying words. When he was around 17-18 months, we decided to mention it to his pediatrician. I thought nothing would really happen since Jude wasn't even 2, but the doctor said we should bring him in to get looked at. We did, and the doctor said he wanted Jude to see a Speech Language Pathologist. We took him last week, and found out that he has a speech delay, and needs to go for a hearing test in the next couple months. We're having Early Intervention come to assess him here at home in the next couple weeks, which will be so helpful in giving us more tools to help Jude communicate. We also need to have him further assessed at the Glenrose because of some red flags that came up during our visit. We've seen these flags ourselves, so I'm anxious to know what is going on. I know that I've never gotten a kiss from Jude, that he doesn't always respond to his name or directions we give him. I can barely type this without getting a lump in my throat (if you know me, you know that it takes nothing to get me to tear up, so when it comes to my kids, everything is a lot closer to the surface). You never expect that your child will have certain struggles, and when they do, you know you will move anything and everything in this world to help them. It is so difficult to see him get frustrated when he can't communicate all his needs.
To be honest, I didn't think I could be a mother of a child with special needs. I have friends who have children with special needs, and I've always thought, "wow, they are amazing moms. I could never have the energy to give what I would need to give to a child." The secret, though, is that when it's your child, you DO have what it takes to serve them and help them with their struggles, whatever they may be. I recently read this blog post, and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. No matter our situation, God is always there. Jude is teaching me so much, and helping me to feel my Heavenly Father's love and support. Just the other night I went in to have some cuddles with him, and he actually pulled my arms around him to give a bigger, tighter hug. Sometimes you don't need words.

I love you, Jude.