Tuesday, September 30, 2014

loss.


I've debated what to say here or how to say it for a few days now. 
We lost our baby. It's been just over a week. I spent Tuesday morning at the hospital making sure that everything was happening as it should, and to get an ultrasound to double check things. The rest of the week has been a bit of a blur. Spiritually I'm doing ok. I have received great insight and confirmation as to the questions I've had, so I have no doubt that I will see my baby again. We've lost 4 children now, and it is such a comfort to me to know that they are in the hands of my Heavenly Father. It's definitely motivated me to strive to live worthily to return to be with them again. So, in that regard, I feel at peace. 
Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. Last week I wanted to keep so busy, especially when my mom was here, that I wouldn't give myself time to be too sad. I've shed some tears already, and didn't want to cry anymore (mostly because if I started I didn't know how I would stop). I feel as if my mind and my heart are at 2 different places. We've received such wonderful kindnesses from our ward, and I have truly felt how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. That has been such a blessing to me. I've always known that Heavenly Father loves me, but, whether I'm not as in tune with the Spirit as I should be or I have allowed something else to stand in my way, I haven't always felt it as much as I have this past week. How comforting it is to be reminded of the plan Heavenly Father undoubtedly has for each of us.

I still feel sad. Even a little depressed, I guess. I have a bit of a short fuse with my kids, which makes me feel like the worst mom ever. Hopefully I'll be recovered enough so Quenton and I can attend the temple this Friday; it's been a while and I definitely need that balance in my life.

I know that families are forever, and I love mine with all my heart. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and that the true path to happiness is through Jesus Christ and His gospel. That is what is keeping me going.

3 comments:

Patricia Noel said...

I feel so deeply sad for what you're going through. I admire you and I am grateful for the example you've been from the first day I met you. 143!

Maureen Barfuss said...

Tanya, I am thinking of you. I understand your sadness and your hope. At a time, such as this, I am happy that you are receiving love from people around you and just wish I was closer so I could too. We surely do love you!

Maureen and family

Jess said...

My sweet friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I just caught up with your blog for the first time in a couple of years because I'm lame like that and read about your little Jude. Life sure knows how to throw us curve balls, right? You are absolutely right, when it comes to YOUR kids you can become supermom! You have been chosen to care for such a special spirit...feel privileged! LOVE YOU!!!