loss.

I've debated what to say here or how to say it for a few days now. 

We lost our baby. It's been just over a week. I spent Tuesday morning at the hospital making sure that everything was happening as it should, and to get an ultrasound to double check things. The rest of the week has been a bit of a blur. Spiritually I'm doing ok. I have received great insight and confirmation as to the questions I've had, so I have no doubt that I will see my baby again. We've lost 4 children now, and it is such a comfort to me to know that they are in the hands of my Heavenly Father. It's definitely motivated me to strive to live worthily to return to be with them again. So, in that regard, I feel at peace. 

Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. Last week I wanted to keep so busy, especially when my mom was here, that I wouldn't give myself time to be too sad. I've shed some tears already, and didn't want to cry anymore (mostly because if I started I didn't know how I would stop). I feel as if my mind and my heart are at 2 different places. We've received such wonderful kindnesses from our ward, and I have truly felt how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. That has been such a blessing to me. I've always known that Heavenly Father loves me, but, whether I'm not as in tune with the Spirit as I should be or I have allowed something else to stand in my way, I haven't always felt it as much as I have this past week. How comforting it is to be reminded of the plan Heavenly Father undoubtedly has for each of us.

I still feel sad. Even a little depressed, I guess. I have a bit of a short fuse with my kids, which makes me feel like the worst mom ever. Hopefully I'll be recovered enough so Quenton and I can attend the temple this Friday; it's been a while and I definitely need that balance in my life.

I know that families are forever, and I love mine with all my heart. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and that the true path to happiness is through Jesus Christ and His gospel. That is what is keeping me going.

ahhh, life....

So, this one time I had 3 kids and no time to blog, or do anything.......

I see that it's been almost 8 months since I last blogged, and although I feel like nothing has happened, SO MUCH has happened. First, we moved to a new, bigger house in a new city :) Packing and selling our old house while carting 3 kids around (one being a relatively new baby) is something I NEVER want to do again, but the move here is so worth it. We're closer to Q's work, which means he's home sooner and with a bigger house we finally have room for all the kids, plus I actually feel like this is where we'll put our roots down (crossing my fingers). So far I've still got lots to unpack, my kitchen island has been covered with "stuff" since March, and we have to finish painting, but I have curtains and everyone has a room, and, most importantly, the playroom is mostly finished. I have so many projects I want to do, which is kind of exciting :) 

Jude has been diagnosed autistic. It took me a couple of months to stop bawling at the thought of what that meant for him, and even now reality hits and I wonder how we're going to do cope with all the changes and challenges, especially when he starts school. But, we're starting to get his supports in place, and he's still our awesome Jude dude. :-) I have to remember to post specifically about this whole experience. It'll be easier to see the blessings through all of this, because there have been many :)

So, right now I'm listening to Charlize NOT sleep (crying, talking, screaming, but not sleeping....) because I switched her and Jude's room up. Ususally at this time there's QUIET. 

Ahhhh, quiet. I vaguely remember what that's like......

I will say this. As chaotic as this last year has been, I truly am grateful for my kids and hubby. I'll admit, there are times when I really have to remind myself of that because I'm on the verge of going crazy, but this is the kind of crazy that I love. I know that our lives will keep on changing, and I will probably have a love/hate relationship with it for the next 8 years, but I wouldn't change anything. :)