Ok. So could I be any MORE of an emotional indecisive person? February went well. I worked out when I could, Quenton and I have been diligent in studying the scriptures daily and family prayer, my job is working out well scheduling with my classes. We have both been feeling sooooo good about everything. It was nice to feel positive about some things, whether it was spiritual, financial, personal, or just having a clean home. I guess I enjoyed the good feeling in our home since we had decided to change some things. It was a nice change. :)
So, after talking with Q about starting a family, he helped me see that I had been placing so much pressure on every little thing that I was doing upon myself. I was under the impression that me getting pregnant rested solely on the things that I was doing; praying, studying, attitude, cleanliness, even working through personal issues in my life (past and present) so that I had no ill feelings, no regrets, nothing that would make me think that I would be less than the best mother I could be if we were lucky enough to have a baby. Well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the expectation. I'm tired of thinking that everything I do actually has an effect on whether I get pregnant or not. It's exhausting and by the end of the month both Q and I are emotionally drained. I have come to the conclusion that none of what we're doing is really going to make any difference. Not that I think what we're doing is for nothing, but I'm tired of feeling like I've failed. So, we've decided that we're going to take a trip and do things for us. Whatever we want. Enough of waiting around for something that clearly isn't going to happen soon. So we're going to have fun and enjoy every moment we have together. Does that mean that I'm ok with being "barren" for the moment? No, I'm not. But there's not much I can do about it, so the thing that makes me the happiest is being with my husband and doing things for us. It's about time.
2 comments:
Hey! So, I read over your post and was reminded of listening to your testimony (or watching it in ASL) on our mission. I was always felt the spirit as you expressed your love for the Lord and acceptance of his will for you--and the work/opportunities he gave you each day. I think your admitting to this in your post, but let me just again repeat--the Lord's timing is always best. Enjoy the opportunities to vacation, get to know "Q" even better. You're lucky (or blessed might be the best word) to have trials/expereinces that are helping you reach your eternal goal. Elder Scott came to the mission after you left to speak and said re: revelation--"When you're living the commandments (and you sisters know what that means), virtually EVERY good thought that comes to your mind is revelation." When I reflect on this, I am pleased at how much communication the Lord is having with me all the time. I can tell you are having these revelation moments and rejoice with you in the excitiment to live life and watch the mysteries be revealed! Have a great March.
I think that is a great attitude Tanya! When we were trying it took us longer than I expected (not that I'm trying to relate to you, because I know your trials have been more in this topic) but I would get discouraged and do the same things that you were decribing in the beggining. But I finally just realized it will happen when it happens and its out of my hands! And once I let go of that stress and expectations... it happened! I'm not trying to say that this is what will happen with you, but my heart goes out to you, and I guess what I'm saying is that your attitude is really good and healthy! Take time for you and your hubby and just do what makes you happy!
And yes, live for today! At past conference there was a great talk about that, and not waitng for things to happen for life to be perfect, but just living for today and making the best of it!
You will be a wonderful mom when the time comes, and it will!
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