loss and healing

i had an appointment yesterday to talk to a nurse with the Early Pregnancy and Childhood Loss Clinic. No, everything is fine with this baby. :) Since our miscarriage in July I've been thinking about talking to someone, especially with a new baby on the way. I won't talk about everything she mentioned, but there were a few pointers that I'd like to share (at least things that affected me).
I know not everyone goes through a loss like this, but if you do, know that it's OK to feel whatever you want to feel. Some people are completely devastated, others see it as something that happens and that they move on from. It was really difficult for me to have people (doctors and family/friends) tell me that "it's just your body's way of getting rid of what wasn't going to make it" or "you'll be fine. it wasn't that big of a deal. you can try again". I know they weren't trying to be insensitive, but THEY WERE. So, that's obviously something I have to work through. Another thing is that there are tons of support groups (at least in our area) available.
Quenton and I were talking last night, and we've decided on what we want to do to remember the babies we lost (because to us--and a lot of people-- they were babies). Dealing with our losses will help me prepare for this baby that's coming.
Another thing I learned is that, although it isn't official in Canada yet, there's an Early Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day on October 15th every year. We've decided to join in on whatever is going on here in Edmonton to remember all the babies that were lost.
Last, but certainly not least, there's faith. I know that through our first loss, our faith definitly wavered. It's sometimes so difficult to understand how something like that can happen, even when there's a child running around and keeping you busy. I learned how important is was for me to really turn to Heavenly Father for the comfort I needed. One thing we know for sure, is that Heavenly Father trusts us enough to take care of His children. That helps me know that we can endure anything.
This has definitly been a year of change and growth for me and my family. No matter what, I KNOW that Heavenly Father is in control, and He has a plan for me. I am more grateful for my family now more than ever. How blessed we are to have such a loving Father who watches over us, and to have family and friends to turn to. :)

quick update.....

so, I was reading a friend's blog, and she did a little update on her family members. I thought, "what a great idea!" So, I'm going to steal the great idea and do it for us :) (thanks Laura!)

Quenton

* working normal hours at his construction/electrician job (after a couple weeks of late late nights, this is nice)
* getting ready to take a course so he can finish his journeyman electrician (he's also an electrical engineer)
* thinking/preparing for when he'll take his p-eng exam (he's so smart!)
* sanding and staining a diningroom table for us so I can have our other table as a sewing table downstairs :)
* working as a Primary teacher at church (what a good example!)
* helping out with meals when preggo here can't stand to cook raw meat
* being the best dad and husband xoxo

Tanya

* getting bigger all the time
* trying to get some crafts going for winter as well as Christmas cards (we'll see how that goes)
* working as the Activity Leader in Primary
* actively working on losing a little weight during this pregnancy (don't worry, it's all healthy and nothing CRAZY)
* thinking about taking some massage/accupressure courses to use until I can go back for my ASL Interpreter Diploma (which would be when we're done having kids)
* absolutely loving being a mom and wife :) I have such a great family!!!

Hazel

* getting REALLY BIG --- 100% for height and 98% for weight. wow.
* getting more and more inquisitive every day! especially with a Christmas tree filled with fun ornaments that fit perfectly in her little hand :)
* running all over the place, pointing, learning what things are
* talking to the dogs. they have a special language ;)
* learning that having fits when she doesn't get what she wants sometimes works, but mostly doesn't
* being, seriously, the best little girl we could have asked for :)

Baby #2

* about as big as my palm right now
* moving around a lot. I can't feel the baby all the time, but there have been flutters since about 13-14 weeks. love it!
* kicking the monitor when the doc listens for it's heartbeat!
* getting ready to show their beautiful face in a week and a half (so. excited.)


As for Buddy and Sugar, they are the same as always; a handful, but I'm greatful to have them around. I love love love my little family. I can't even begin to express my love for such a kind and loving Heavenly Father who has known my needs from the very beginning. Quenton is more than perfect for me; I believe we were prepared for eachother. Hazel is the light in my life, and this new little one will be such a welcomed joy to our family. Life is good, and it's only getting better :)

gratitude

I was just watching  20/20 with Diane Sawyer interviewing Gabby Giffords and her husband. What a horrible ordeal for her to go through, but what an example of optimism and courage in the face of adversity. I know that my life has been tough sometimes, and I've seen some of the struggles my friends have gone through as well. I know how difficult it can be to rely on faith, to rely on the Savior when we feel alone, or when we feel like there's nowhere to turn. Enduring can be one of the most difficult things we must do in this life. And to endure it well?? Sometimes that seems unatainable. But, after watching that interview, I feel renewed faith, renewed assurance that anything is possible. I think it's something I need to take one day at a time. It's good to look at and to remember the big picture, having that eternal perspective and knowing that in the end we'll be okay, but to just take life a day at a time and do the things to keep strong, to stay optimistic. Love is what matters, and WE matter to someone. YOU matter to me, even if there are miles between us.

happy.

So, I have been feeling SOOO tired lately. I'm sure a lot has to do with my busy little Hazel :) She only stops to eat and sleep, and occaisionally cuddle with me! I have so much on my to-do list, so I try to take advantage of the moments where I feel a burst of energy :) I mean, Christmas is almost upon us!! I have decorating and planning and crafting to do! :)
So, I wanted to mention my darling husband for a moment. He's been working some crazy hours these last couple of weeks, so we get a little more time with him in the mornings. I think Hazel LOVES it!! She's never too happy to see him leave for work. I'm so grateful for the sacrifices he makes for us! Aside from work, he has to deal with a hormone-ridden, moody, expanding wife. Who signs up for that anyway? ;)
Along with this new baby coming soon to our family, this time in our lives seems to be filled with a lot of change. Quenton and I have had such great discussions lately, and the love I have for my family, even for myself, is growing :)
Heavenly Father is so mindful of the things that we need, and when we need them. I am so grateful for the continued learning of ourselves, the Spirit, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the things that really matter. :) I think I'm going to listen to Christmas music now.

sneek peek....

We had amazing Kim take our family pics yesterday, so here are some to wet your appetite :)

Thanks so much Kim!

Our baby (or not so baby) H

So, Hazel has been 1 for almost a week. I cannot believe it!!! I know moms everywhere talk about "where did the time go?" but seriously, where!?!?!? I feel like it was just yesterday that she was learning to roll over, or smiling for the first time. She is my little angel, and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father decided to bless us with her when he did.
Here's a recap of her first year :

And that's 12 months of heaven in our house :) I sure love this little girl. She melts my heart and lights up the room with her toothy grin :) I can't wait for her to be a big sister!!

Our House! (well, some of it)

So here are some before and after pictures of our paint job upstairs. We were thinking of painting the basement as well, but after a week of painting upstairs, we've decided to put that off for a while. ;)
Here are before pictures of the living room:

And here's during:

And here's the finished product:

Here's the dining room before:

And here's after (sorry if the pictures aren't that clear....):

 Finally, here's pictures of Hazel's room before:

And here's her room after :

I still have to hem curtains, and I'm sure I'll be re-arranging for the next while, but we're pretty happy with our house :) We've been pretty blessed with getting this house, and the timing of this next baby and everything. So, if you're in the neighbourhood, feel free to stop by! It's not clean all the time, but as long as there's toys everywhere, you'll know that's the reason why!