Fine.

Ok. So could I be any MORE of an emotional indecisive person? February went well. I worked out when I could, Quenton and I have been diligent in studying the scriptures daily and family prayer, my job is working out well scheduling with my classes. We have both been feeling sooooo good about everything. It was nice to feel positive about some things, whether it was spiritual, financial, personal, or just having a clean home. I guess I enjoyed the good feeling in our home since we had decided to change some things. It was a nice change. :)
So, after talking with Q about starting a family, he helped me see that I had been placing so much pressure on every little thing that I was doing upon myself. I was under the impression that me getting pregnant rested solely on the things that I was doing; praying, studying, attitude, cleanliness, even working through personal issues in my life (past and present) so that I had no ill feelings, no regrets, nothing that would make me think that I would be less than the best mother I could be if we were lucky enough to have a baby. Well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the expectation. I'm tired of thinking that everything I do actually has an effect on whether I get pregnant or not. It's exhausting and by the end of the month both Q and I are emotionally drained. I have come to the conclusion that none of what we're doing is really going to make any difference. Not that I think what we're doing is for nothing, but I'm tired of feeling like I've failed. So, we've decided that we're going to take a trip and do things for us. Whatever we want. Enough of waiting around for something that clearly isn't going to happen soon. So we're going to have fun and enjoy every moment we have together. Does that mean that I'm ok with being "barren" for the moment? No, I'm not. But there's not much I can do about it, so the thing that makes me the happiest is being with my husband and doing things for us. It's about time.

ahhhh February.....

So here we are, in the middle of February, and life is still good. :) I started my new job back at a pharmacy as a Pharmacy Assistant (technitian without the training). I think it's kind of funny how I have resorted back to this kind of job more than once. It makes me think that perhaps this is what I should be doing, but then I remember WHY I don't want to have this for a career. It's too stressful for me. I like what I do, and for the most part I like who I work with, but the retail side of it is what I don't like. Anyway, I'm only working part-time for now, and it's nice. :) I started going to Curves a couple weeks ago, and I love it! I think just the thought of being active and doing something about my weight gives me a natural high. I go with my friend Karen a lot, and I think that helps me. It's nice to have someone to go with, to encourage you, and to drag you there when you need it. :)
With some of the extra time I've had with my new part-time job I've been able to focus more on my classes, and the more I go the more I see how much I love what I'm learning and doing. I also have more time to be at home, and unlike last month where I felt secluded and apart from everything, now it's more like a haven and I love making it more like "home".
Before I left my last job, a friend from work had given me a book. She knew what a difficult time I've been having these last few months and had always been a good shoulder and a good ear when I needed it. I'm sure some of you know about this book, but it is totally changing my life. It's called "The Secret" and it's so simple! I haven't finished it yet, but so far what I've got out of it is that your thoughts become reality. If we think positive things, positive things will happen to us. Quenton and I have talked about this and have decided to change our thinking and what we say. It's sometimes a challenge to be positive when you're having a bad day, but for the most part I can already feel better about life. :)
I'm still turning over new leaves, and I finally feel like I'm in a good groove. The world looks so much better from this view.

The leaf...

So I decided today that I would try to turn over a new leaf, as some say, and change my life. Perhaps I'm just changing aspects of my life that haven't been that great lately. One of them is my weight. Now, I've never been that comforable talking about it to people other than those that are super close to me, but enough is enough! I'm tired of holding on to this excess (and I do mean excess!) baggage like it's some protective shield against the things of the world. I've been carrying around this issue my whole life, and it's time to let it go. I went with my good friend Karen today to work out, and I'm so excited for the prospect of a new me coming into view! Life since the miscarriage has been extremely tough, especially this last month, and I'm tired of feeling stuck in a rut that I can't get out of, lately because I feel too big to get out of it!
Another thing that is going to change is my job. I'll be done working at the school at the end of next week, and although it's been a good learning experience, I feel like it's time to move on. I have a few different roads that I can go down, so we'll just see where this new leaf takes me.
Quenton and I both feel that this next month will be a good one, probably full of changes, good ones, and I can't wait. Tragedies in life whether big or small can have such an affect on your emotional, physical, and spiritual self. I never really got that until now. I've decided many times to change some things in my life, some successfully, some just good lessons learned. Good thing there's still a lot of leaves on my tree.

these times....

Ever have one of those days, weeks, or months where things just weren't going well? That's where I feel I've been for the last while. It isn't the happiest, most productive place to be, but it seems like I'm stuck in it, almost indefinitly. Now I've heard the old "everyone has bad days" and "this is just a trial you're going through" or "don't worry, things will pick up", but I just can't see it from where I'm standing (or in my case, lying in my bed waiting for the day to be over). I know it's probably just a phase, and things will get better, but sometimes it's hard to see the light when you're buried under the piles of unfortunate circumstances that I know most everyone has to deal with.
Anyway, there's a lot more going on in my head, but I just needed to say that.

the Q

So I have a lot of friends who have written wonderful things about their husbands, and I thought that I'd follow suit. :)
Wow, where to even start about my best friend. I guess that's it. He IS my best friend, my confidante, my love, my rock. He encourages me to do whatever I need to do to be happy. He holds me when I'm sad, laughs at my silly jokes, watches chick-flicks with me when all he wants to do is watch James Bond, he holds my hand whenever we are walking together, and he kisses me whenever he can. I never in a million years thought that I'd find a more caring, lovable, thoughtful, funny, smart, and sensitive man for me. He's perfect. I don't believe in coincidences, or fate, but if I did, I'd say he was my soulmate. I wish everyone could be around when he laughs! He has the best laugh of anyone I've ever met! He is so full of love for me, and I know it from everything he does and everything he is.
I love him. He's definitly my White Knight.
xoxo

the joys of the season....

Well, it's getting closer to Christmas time, and I'm doing my best to be more domestic and attempt to make Christmas cookies. I made a batch of my mom's shortbread cookies, and I think they turned out really well. Now, all I have to do is buy myself a rolling pin and then I can make some sugar cookies. I'm kind of excited for that. It took so long for the snow to come that all of a sudden it feels like the season is passing me by. I still have a few things to buy for presents, but then I just get to enjoy everything. I'm excited that this is our first Christmas as a married couple. A few weeks ago we bought our first Christmas tree and decorated it. It was so nice to start traditions that we'll be able to carry on to our own children.
My sister and her husband were here last weekend. What a blessing that was for me. I didn't find that I was too emotional last week, but when Melanie came, all my emotions came out. It was good. I love my family!
I love my husband too. Wow, has he been the perfect partner for me! So patient and understanding, and he's taken on so much with work and finishing school, and then helping me out at home. I am just so grateful that he loves me the way that he does.
We're pretty excited for our Christmas break. It'll be nice to get away and visit family. I'm sure the time will fly by, but it'll be fun to see everyone. Who knows, maybe I'll bring more cookes to share, that is if they turn out ok. :)

sad times.....

Well, some of you may know that we lost the baby this weekend. It was pretty sad for both of us, but after a couple of days we are feeling ok about things. I had a feeling that things weren't quite normal, but what do I know about normal, never being pregnant before. I would love to just stay at home, avoid people at all cost, but we both know what we have to keep doing every day things to get back into a routine. This isn't going to hold us back from starting a family, though. No way! I know that we'll be blessed some day, and we can't wait. I have a lot of thoughts on what has happened, but need to run, so I'll be back. Thanks to everyone for their love and support. Not to worry. We are undefeated!

xoxo